I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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