youre lurking in front of me
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
it's great music for shaving your balls
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
