dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Randomize
