genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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