God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I'm always down for nudity.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
