Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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