my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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