I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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