I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
