I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
