really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
