so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
So. Much. Porn.
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