We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
