I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
