my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
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