i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
You need a sexual gate keeper
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Randomize
