My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
