So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Randomize
