So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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