anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
