I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
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