I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Randomize
