I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I need a beard to bite.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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