I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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