I'm so fucking centered right now
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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