Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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