yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
