it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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