How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
