I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
