woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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