I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
