John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
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