I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
