In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
