If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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