I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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