True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
be right there i have to get my cape
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
