We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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