i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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