Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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