I wish I could teleport
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
