your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
