I just cut my nipple shaving
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
