I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Randomize
