I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
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