If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
