i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
The adults are the big ones right?
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
