She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
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