I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
