the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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